Witticisms

• I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
• Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?
• Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
• Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
• If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

George Carlin Musings

• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all" ?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
• Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
• If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp"; to have an "S" in it?
• Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
• If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

More Puns

• A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
• A will is a dead giveaway.
• Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
• A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
• If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
• With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
• Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
• The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
• A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
• You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
• Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
• He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
• A calendar's days are numbered.
• A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
• A plateau is a high form of flattery.
• The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
• If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
• When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Acupuncture: a jab well done.
• Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND

• My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
• Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot
• Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
• Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
• Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
• John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
• Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
• Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
• Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
• Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
• Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direa,the the shits.
• Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
• Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
• Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
• I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
• Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
• Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
• My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
• Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
• Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps
• Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
• Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
• Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

CREATE YOUR OWN DITTY

• Angle of the dangle
• Mean of the lean
• Heat of the meat
• Throb of the knob
• Drip off the tip
• Torque on the pork
• Strain in the veins
• Licks from the chicks
• Bootie of the cutie
• Size of the rise
• Mass of the ass
• Tickle of the pickle

   The angle of the dangle
   is equal to the mean of the lean,
   and proportional to the bootie of the cutie
   and the mass of the ass.

   The heat of the meat
   and the licks from the chicks
   causes the size of the rise
   resulting in a drip off the tip.